Two men were camping when they spotted a bear coming towards them.
One of the men was a lawyer. He immediately sat down and put on his running shoes.
“Why are you doing that?” asked the other. “You can’t outrun a bear.”
“That’s right, “ responded the lawyer. “I’m going to outrun you.”
Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called “Divorced Barbie”?
Yeah, it comes with half of Ken’s things and alimony.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A boxing referee doesn’t get paid more for a longer fight.
“I’m beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Listen to this from his bill: ‘For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25’.”
What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
Why did the shark NOT eat the lawyer? Professional courtesy.
What’s the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?
The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
Q: What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.
What’s the problem with lawyer jokes?
Lawyer’s don’t think they’re funny, and no one else thinks they’re jokes.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
A: Your Honor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer–you’re in the wrong place.” So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?.” Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”
Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on staff, and I’m keeping him.” God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.” Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”
And in more amusing news, someone posted this link to claiming money from the bank of Canada in neglected accounts. So I searched me and a few of my friend’s names. You might want to check this out yourself…..if you could use some petty cash.